We All Roll Along

We All Roll Along

Being one of my favourite songs by The Maine, you’d think I’d love everything about it. But to be honest the meaning I get from this song actually worries and depresses me which is weird since the lyrics are looking back on their happy memories.

The song’s basically about when the band were teenagers and how they want someone to “…take me back to the parking lots, the sleep we fought and all the places we got caught…the sleepless nights, the stupid fights…” and all the things they miss about being so young. There’s this line in the song, the one that worries me, “I remember everyday I spent dreaming of leaving…” and they go on to sing about the good times they head. It freaks me out. I spend everyday dreaming of leaving high school, leaving this city and flying off to America and living a life that’s exciting and fast paced. This makes me wonder: is this what they dreamed of? And now they appear to miss being a teenager, so what if I end up missing being a teenager? My life would have to be pretty damn awful in the future for me to miss this…

There’s another line too: “…it felt like we did so much back then” – as if they’re looking back at how their lives felt really exciting when they were teenagers, and this scares me because I really feel like I’m going absolutely nowhere right now. I have to revise to do tests in subjects I don’t like to get qualifications I don’t care about so I can get a job I don’t want. I feel like I’m wasting my time. I’m young, I’m healthy, physically this is the best I ever will be. And I have to spend my time doing homework I can’t be bothered with to please teachers I hate. I have never felt this hopeless in my life.

The song is all about how they used to feel so alive and like they were living to the full, and it terrifies me because I feel so dead and like I may as well not be living at all for all I’m accomplishing. And it scares me to think: does it really get worse? Does it?

Click the title to listen to the song, by the way.

Sincerely yours,

Vicky

We Are Liars

You know when you do something, and you think “God, what would my friends think if they knew”, that’s how I’m feeling right now. That’s because I doubt my friends at school would consider my blog ‘cool’. So, I came to decide that I just won’t tell any of my friends I write a blog, no big deal right? Wrong. 

If you’re hiding your blog from your friends, what are your friends hiding from you? If you’re not honest with them, and they’re not honest with you, are they even your friends at all? What’s friendship without trust? Nothing. So, do any of us actually have any friends? I don’t know.

And what if we’re hiding so much from our friends that who they think we are isn’t who we are at all? Or if our friends are hiding so much from us that who we think they are isn’t who they are either? Does this mean that all our friends are just figments of our imaginations, just things we built up out of lies and half-truths and assumptions? Or are we figments of other people’s imaginations? Are there even any real people left in the world?

If not, then where did all the real people go? The answer, I think, is they were crushed into nothing when somebody somewhere divided society into a few categories and forced everybody to fit into them. Once I think there were just people, now there are pretty people and ugly people. There are cool people and un-cool people. There are sluts and chavs and hipsters and freaks and more.

And in our desperation to be ‘cool’, we buried our real selves and pretended we fit into the ‘cool’ section, even if it means we have to be mean and scruffy and dumb and we have to do things we don’t want to do, wear clothes we don’t feel comfortable in, listen to music we don’t enjoy, and be friends with people we don’t like. What have we done to ourselves?

We can blame society, but we are society. We have destroyed individuality because individuality isn’t ‘cool’. We’re all liars because we pretend to be people we aren’t and apparently that’s ‘cool’. But it’s really not…

Yeah I was feeling pretty philosophical today…

Vicky

Monday Could Ruin My Year…

I’m terrified of Monday. Not just school, in fact school can sod off I’m not scared, I have to go to the doctors. I’m really, really worried about what I could find out. My year could be completely ruined, my parents will be gutted, my friends will try and be there for me but nothing will really make me feel better if I get the result I don’t want…

 

I’m not pregnant.

 

As you probably don’t know, I’m a runner, I train at an athletics club and gosh darn I love it. My favourite distance is 300m (equivalent of 400m for my age group). It’s just such a perfect distance y’know… not so short that you can’t get your speed up, and not so long that you have to run slow and die and stuff. Running 300m is basically my life.

My foot’s been hurting a lot recently, though. I took a couple weeks off training over Christmas and it was feeling better. But yesterday I went to training, excited to run some 300’s, but after three my foot was killing me, so I stopped. My coach spoke to me and said those awful words no athlete wants to hear “It sounds like a stress fracture”. DAMNIT! I internally screamed.

My doctors appointment is on Monday, and I’m so nervous. I’ve been researching stress fractures non-stop this evening and I’ve found that I could be not allowed to run for 4 – 16 weeks, this means I could be out of training for 4 FREAKING MONTHS! That would completely ruin everything for my summer season, I’ve been working so freaking hard this winter and to have it ruined by injury would honestly emotionally destroy me. Imagine making a sculpture, writing a novel, revising for an important exam, or something like that. Then imagine, something you couldn’t control smashing your sculpture, deleting your manuscript, ripping up your paper, and having to watch as all your potential success slips away and realising that now all your hard work counts for nothing. Yeah. That’s basically it.

I’ll have my fingers crossed all weekend, and I’ll pray every night even though I’m not at all religious (so I’m not sure who I’ll be praying to)…

Wish me luck,

Vicky

Future Plans…

It’s so hard to break the boundaries that society has put on us, but you have to. I know it’s hard not be scared about your future. You think you have to work non-stop so you can live when you’re older, but f*ck it. Your teenage years will be the best years of your life. So go live them: road trips, making music, whatever. Just go do it. Don’t waste your time now for the future because, it may never happen. You could be killed tomorrow. I’m never going to live my life in the conventional form that is birth, school, college, work, marriage, the grave. F*ck this. Go chase the sunset. 

~ Oli Sykes (Bring Me The Horizon)

— What do you think of the quote above? Do you agree? I’m kind of in the middle, I sort of do but sort of don’t. I do love Oli Sykes though —

Do you ever think about the future? I think about the future most nights when I can’t sleep. Whether it’s next summers’ athletics season or what I end up doing in university or even whether I’ll have kids one day, the future is something I always have on my mind. I think that’s because I don’t like where I am at present, and because my Dad always asks me questions about what I want to be when I grow up.

I was thinking about it last night, about where I’ll be in 10 years. I’ll be 25, so what will I have done? Will I have travelled? Gone to university? Got a job? Got a boyfriend? Moved out of home? What will I look like by then? What clothes will I wear? What music will I listen to? What hobbies will I have? What will my social life be like? There are so many questions and absolutely no answers. It’s scary, the future. What if I screw up my gcses and everything else I wanted to do doesn’t happen because of it? What if I die and I’m nowhere in 10 years? What if I still have no friends? There are so many “what ifs” and it worries me. But at the same time I want the future to hurry up and happen. I want to be out of this town, studying at university in a big city like London. I want to meet new people and travel the world with my best friends or my boyfriend if I magically end up with one. But whatever, there’s no point worrying, I’ll just have to wait and see where the future takes me. And I hope it takes me somewhere good.

 

Today, I went to my first athletics training session of the year. I was really glad to be back, I have a few friends there and I hadn’t seen them since before Christmas. Two of them had new phones and one wouldn’t stop talking about the hot boy she kissed on Christmas Eve. Training was good, I wore my new socks and they were comfy. I’d injured my foot before Christmas and hadn’t been training much in December, so it was so great to be back running without being in pain. Well I was in pain, we all were. It was the first session back like I said, and we were all out of condition. One girl was sick. Damn I can’t wait till the Summer, I’ve worked really hard this year so I’m looking forward to seeing if it pays off in competitions.

 

I spent this afternoon messing around with themes and headers on my blog, does it look better?

In the comments, tell me what you want for the future. If you want that is. Hopefully this post was more interesting than yesterdays’.

Good evening,

Vicky

An Insight into my Almost Social Life

Have you ever been in a room all alone and thought about how nobody can see you? How there’s seven billion people on this planet and not one of them is looking at or acknowledging you? I think about that all the time, but I don’t think anyone else does. It’s quite a weird thought though…

I went out today. I went ice skating. After we put on our boots I got angry because our locker wouldn’t lock. It’s a locker, a locker. It was made solely to lock things inside of it to keep them safe, and it didn’t lock. I was less than impressed. But, then a man who worked there gave us locker #69 to use instead, which cheered me up immensely.

Skating was pretty damn fun I have to say. We saw some people from school that I don’t dislike but barely know and we talked to them a bit and I tried my best not to be rude or awkward. I didn’t do too badly. The girl I was with, Katherine fell over about ten times and after laughing I helped her up. I only fell over once, but when I did I made sure I dragged Katherine down with me. We both laughed a lot while we sat on the floor and allowed our bums to become ice cubes.

So, I was feeling pretty good, the day was going well. That was until two people I didn’t know came over to me and told me their friend wanted my number. That threw me. I’m socially awkward; I don’t like strangers or being asked for my number. They were both taller than me, and that made me feel small. I nearly fell over when they came over to me because I couldn’t stop, and that made me feel kind of stupid. I told them he wasn’t having my number and kept saying “Erm, I don’t know, no” when they tried to persuade me.

I didn’t mention why I said no, but it was because firstly it was probably a joke. People make jokes like that, and they always do it to the people who won’t know how to react, like me for example. It was also because I thought the boy who was speaking to me much more attractive than the friend who supposedly wanted my number. Basically, I said no and I don’t regret it because the situation would have been way worse if I’d said anything different.

I also went to the library on my own and got the second ‘Internal Devices’ book, Clockwork Prince. Internal Devices is a prequel to the Mortal Instruments series. It’s all by Cassandra Clare.

It’s Friday night, but you can probably tell that I’m not going anywhere. I have four friends for Christ’s sake; I don’t go out on Friday nights. Ha! I’m writing this and then reading my book. Why I’m writing this I don’t know. Before I wrote this, I was writing something about my lack of friends, but I deleted it because I sounded shallow. So, I wrote about my day because it was quite exciting by my standards.

I won’t be surprised or offended if you find this boring,

Vicky

I don’t know how to write a blog

When I was younger, I used to write stories all the time. All these stories about vampires and pirates and magic and animals that don’t exist. And sometimes I felt like I was in those stories. Like I was getting hunted by vampires, like I was a pirate, like I was some fantasy animal. Of course the stories I wrote were terrible, but I was nine so what do you expect? I used to want to be a writer. My Dad told me I shouldn’t aspire to be a writer because I probably wouldn’t make it. He was right, but I still nearly cried. I didn’t cry though. Crying isn’t something I do very often, and I never cry in front of people.

English was my favourite subject then. I don’t like it anymore. This term we studied ‘Lord of the Flies’ by William Goulding (I think he’s the author). I did my first ever gcse essay on the book, and I got a B. My Dad said that was disappointing; I agreed because I want to get straight A’s. I’ve always been confident I could get straight A’s, but not anymore.

Because high school kind of squeezes out  every drop of confidence in you. At least that’s what I think it’s done to me. I hate high school. It was okay at first, back when I was caught up in trying to be cool and dumb and pretty. I woke up from the crazy dream I was living in last summer. I did something stupid with someone equally as stupid. But I don’t want to talk about that. But now I hate high school and what I let it do to me. It’s time to turn my life around. That’s my new years resolution: to turn my life around.

If you want to come with me on this ‘journey’ then I guess you could follow me or comment on my posts or something. I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’m only writing this because I need to know that at least one person understands. And I need to know at least one person won’t think I’m weird or judge me. I need to know that at least one person hates (or hated) high school as much as me even though they haven’t had any traumatic events in their life to make things harder for them.

Happy new year,

Vicky